Where I'm From/Where I'm Going/Work in Progress
The funny thing about policemen (my circle as of late) is that when I've met them, they bring all this materialistic stuff up i.e. how big their houses are, what promotions they're up for, how nice their cars are and so on. Like that's supposed to be an enticement. I'm good as long as I have a roof over my head, and decent transportation. I'm not an underachiever. I like nice things as well as the next person but I've been on the other side of the tracks. I've experienced evictions and homelessness so the concept of a big excessive house is lost on me. I know the value of plain old shelter.
There were times when I'd wear wet clothes during the summer because we didn't have air conditioning or fans. Couldn't afford them. I'd fix Cream of Wheat during cold nights for dinner. It was the only thing we had to eat until the milk ran out. It warmed us up a little plus I got to stand in front of the stove. When I was about 10 my dad told me to go to hell. I was the daughter that he never wanted. I was 13 when the lady across the street called the cops on me for sneaking back into the last house dad got us evicted from to retrieve some belongings that were important to my mom.
We'd go without electricity and running water in the house for months. My family would fill drums of water up at a roadside pump station and take them home so we'd have access to water. Sometimes we'd bathe right there, my sister and I. Who would think anything of some little kids "playing" in the water? My mother ran a couple of those long orange extension cords to a neighbors house so we could plug in the refrigerator. Finally they got tired of it and would unplug the cord and we'd only know after stuff started to spoil. I know what its like to go through the dumpster behind the supermarket to find food for the livestock that were my dad's. Of course he wasn't there to look after them because he was off running his racket. And after my sister and dad got rid of all my stuff - leaving me with just what I had on, a pink dress I wore to my 8th grade prom, and a bathtowel, there was no shame in picking up the odd jacket or whatever clothing was forgotten at the bus stop. I was 19 when I overheard my dad's new wife telling my mother how much my dad didn't like me. My other 3 sisters were okay, but it was me he didn't like. He wished I wasn't his. Well, that feeling was mutual.
That was my life until six years ago. The last six years were still rough. I've lost a baby and lost myself. First I was lost in grief, self pity, and anger. I almost lost my mind when my last relationship ended. I couldn't believe someone could so willfully mistreat another person.
I don't come from money, wealth, or position. I've made some big mistakes along the way but then I wasn't born with the LIFE manual in my pocket. I have a job that I would be satisfied doing until retirement. It allows me time to pursue other interests - such as family and education. (I'm in pursuit of a more consuming position because the will and drive to better myself is there). Relationship wise, I can proudly say that I have NEVER cheated on anyone. Through good, bad, sickness, health, richer or poorer I've never needed a ring to abide by those vows. It comes naturally.
That is where I'm from.
I usually don't bring that stuff up because sometimes people feel sorry for me. There's nothing to feel sorry about. I've been blessed. My desire to prove something is over. I've willingly embraced my role as a helpmeet, no longer a competitor. I'm searching for whom I was born to complement.
My requirements have changed. Compassion, trust, respect, empathy, intelligence, and wit come after physical appearance. (I'm working on my own improvement). The number of kids one has doesn't matter as long as he embraces his responsibilities. Being divorced doesn't blacklist someone. No one sets out to be divorced. People want to be together, forever, but someone cheats. I understand the pain of betrayal and the strength, only by the grace of God, it takes to overcome it.
If I could meet someone who's been through it, and repair the hurt, I would've fulfilled what I feel is my purpose for living.
I've found my destination.